Hi my friends and followers! I will be posting new artworks that I'd been working on in my new instagram account @ instagram.com/akirakirai
(account = akirakirai)
With artworks I'll also be posting some works of my love for makeup artistry...and some selfies smashed in there too LOL
I know that many of you have been worried about me and I truly do miss posting works here and catching up with you guys. As of this past year my life has been very turbulent. I am not afraid to tell you guys who I am now... For most of my life I'd been struggling with depression due to a certain mental illness that wasn't diagnosed correctly until this year - borderline personality disorder & adhd. While it has always felt like a curse that I've been bestowed such an illness, I've recently accepted that I am who I am and that everything happens for a reason. I think that curse is also my greatest blessing - I feel so strongly and if it weren't for the illness, I wouldn't be the artist I now am today. Along with feeling such strong sadness, anger and pain, I love intensely and I care extensively. I think having this "problem" has given me the blessing of being able to experience such a wide range of emotions to such an extent that I feel compelled enough to draw them. I yearn to reach out to those who feel alone and let them know that they certainly aren't.
I've been struggling with an extreme conflict between myself and who I truly want to be. A few days ago, I stayed up the entire night rethinking myself and reality. I don't want to draw "for a living". I want drawing to be my own special hobby - something that I can find a release in. As of now, that hasn't been true. I can't think about drawing without feeling guilty or associating it with work. When I think of drawing for myself or drawing how I feel, I would stop myself because I feel as though I have "better things to do" and I ought to be drawing for those companies instead. It has been making me miserable...
I don't want this. I want art to be my escape. I want my art to reflect the desire I truly have for it.
While drawing for a living/as a job is ideal for those who are talented in it, it is not for me. Because of realizing this, I'd been struggling with an odd mix of depression and hope for the future. Depression because I felt that I had failed everyone and myself who I thought I should be, but hope because I now know who I want to become. I don't want to live a life that is made by others' expectations of me... I want to form my own life that I find true happiness in. I think I need to remember to be kind to myself - I only have this one life and I shouldn't spend it lying to myself.
That isn't to say that I'm not going to conventions or won't take side work - I love conventions and meeting those who are just as passionate as I am about the things I love!
Remember this drawing?
Thank you so much for following me and continuing to support me. I promise to keep drawing because it's my strongest and most vivid passion in my life.